The Walking Dead: What Have We Learned from Season 6?

by: LGreen

Photo Credit: AMC

Photo Credit: AMC

The Walking Dead is nothing if not informational. Thanks to Rick and the gang, we now all know how to mostly survive a zombie apocalypse (What? You weren’t taking notes?). Tonight we say hello to Negan and goodbye to Season 6. Thanks for the memories, Walking Dead, and for a season full of useful pro-tips and life lessons. What exactly has season 6 taught us? Read below and consider yourself enlightened.

This is why we can’t have nice things. We’re looking at you, Alexandrians, with your solar energy and Pottery Barn decor. The nicer your home in the zombie apocalypse, the weaker you are. Law of nature.

The only thing slower than walkers are turtles. Don’t be a turtle. Case in point:

Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

If you fail a gazillion times, eventually you’ll do something right. Ahem, Gabriel. Nice to see that you stepped up. Finally. A millionth time’s a charm in the zombie apocalypse.

You probably shouldn’t scare children.

Photo Credit: AMC

Photo Credit: AMC

Oh, Carol, remember when you scared the crap out of poor dumb Sam with your passive aggressive cookies and tales of being eaten alive by zombies and we cheered you on?! We shouldn’t have done that and you really shouldn’t have done it. Turns out kids remember those kinds of stories and blind fear has a tendency to derail even the best laid plans.

Just because you’re awesome, doesn’t mean you’re not also wrong. Have Walking Dead fans become so enamored with Carol’s badassery that we no longer see that she’s sort of not right a lot of the time. Like when she told that poor Alexandrian woman to smoke outside (which resulted in her getting axed to death), or when she thought leaving on her own was a good idea (it really wasn’t), or her misguided notion that she’s good with children. (See above; she’s not) (See also 2 seasons ago).

 Spikewagons are genius.

Photo Credit: AMC

Photo Credit: AMC

This is the kind of apocalyptic innovation I like to see!

You can lead a walker herd to a quarry, but you can’t make them drink.

Photo Credit: AMC

Photo Credit: AMC

Oh, that’s not how that saying goes? Or… You can lead a walker herd to a quarry, but somebody will get killed and fall on their car horn and create a massive distraction and ruin everything. Tomato Tomahto.

This is survivable:

Photo Credit: AMC

Photo Credit: AMC

You just have to want it enough.

Don’t be that guy. Morgan just can’t hang. Morgan, I love you, but the morality lectures all the time and the cumbersome Gandalf staff (that’s what I call it) just aren’t going with the flow. You’re slowing the group down, dude.

Getting shot in the eye is not a big deal.

Photo Credit: AMC

Photo Credit: AMC

Unless it’s with an arrow and you’re just a guest actor:

 Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

Apples are the new cigarettes.

Photo Credit: AMC

Photo Credit: AMC

So healthy!

If you come across a Whistling Men’s Choir in the foggy woods, get out of there immediately! Really, is this not the greatest lesson of all?

and finally…

We should have learned to appreciate Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s charming pizza-eating, robe-wearing, lovable Jason on The Good Wife more while we had the chance. Because now he’s Negan 😦

Photo Credit: CBS

Photo Credit: CBS

Why’d you leave us, friend?

 

See you in the fall for season 7, zombie fans!

Best Moments of the Bates Motel Season 4 Premier

By: LGREEN

image

Image via A&E

Spoliers, all the spoilers, below:

Bates Motel is back and open for business, TV horror/family drama/motel fans! Season 4 premiered last night, picking right up where last season left off. (But in case you didn’t know… Emma is off to Portland for a lung transplant, Romero killed Bob Paris to protect Norma’s secret, and Bradley Martin is very much dead for reals this time, having been killed by “Mother.”)

So what were the biggest, best, most shocking moments of “A Danger to Himself and Others”?
In no particular order:

1: No time jump.
Time hasn’t moved all that quickly on Bates Motel, but each season has jumped a bit, setting up a new chapter in Norman’s evolution. Last night picked up immediately after Bradley’s murder from last season. Norman is found in a field, manic and disoriented, and admitted to the local psychiatric hospital. He’s released in two days, just in time for–whoops–his next murder! Somebody’s gone full psycho rather quickly…

2: Bad mom showdown.
So Emma has a pretty crappy mom. That particularly stinks because Emma is seriously the best. I expected Norma to let Audrey have it after she, herself, got a lecture from the doctor (nobody does projection quite as well as Norma). But her rant was filled with such honest affection for Emma, you remember that despite all Norma’s quirks and hysterics, she can, or wants to be, a great mom. No one’s ever going to accuse her of abandonment.

3: Norma gets a reality check.
And speaking of lectures… Poor Norma. She does the best she can. And because we like her so much, because her intentions are so good, we forget her best isn’t that great. Her efforts to keep Norman from murdering people, like not letting him get a driver’s license, are weak at best. But a lecture by the unfriendliest doctor in the world, in the creepiest hospital in the world, was sad. Norma needs a reality check, but she also needs a hug.

4: That robe!
Freddie Highmore’s “Mother” is a work of art, part Vera Farmiga impression and part twisted fantasy. It’s dark and hilarious and completely Emmy-worthy. Watch him open the door to Emma’s mother exactly like Norma answering the door in the pilot. It’s uncanny. But the best part of Norman’s Mother episodes? The costuming! That frilly, fancy robe (complete with a sash!) adds just the right touch of comedy to all the madness.)

5: Norma and Dylan have a moment.
Just when you think Norma is going to have a problem with Dylan’s relationship with Emma, she doesn’t. It’s nice that Dylan finally gets Norma’s approval, but a bummer cuz she knows Norman is no good for Emma.

6: Health Insurance is important.
It really is. And Norma is determined to get it for Norman, even if it means throwing out an early-morning, amazingly unromantic, marriage proposal to our favorite White Pine Bay sheriff. Forget that their last encounter ended with Norma saying “don’t touch me,” and Romero’s done his best to completely ignore her since, oh what the Hell! Might as well throw everything at the wall, Norma, and see what sticks! And it’s important to remember that he didn’t technically say no. … It’s only a matter of time for these kids.

7: Stashed money.
Hey, what’s up with that huge stash of stolen money Romero hid in his house?? Seems like that’ll come in handy later…

8: Bad mother showdown, part 2.
Norma let Emma’s mom off pretty easy, with just a lecture and a slammed door. “Mother” is a much harsher judge. And if there’s anything “Mother” dislikes, it’s abandonment. Two murders within a week? It’s interesting that this one didn’t show it from Norman’s “Mother” perspective. It seems they’re fully integrated and fully terrifying.

Odds and ends and questions

What does this all mean for the rest of this season and the next final season? There seems to be no fixing Norman at this point. All that’s left to wonder is what happens next and will anyone make it out alive and/or happy.

1: Will Romero actually marry Norma? (I vote yes.) And how will Norman react? (I vote obviously not well.)
2: How and when will Emma find out about her mom?
3: Will Bradley’s body ever be found and will that lead back to Norman?
4: Will this all end like Psycho or does Norma stand a chance at happiness?
5: Is that giant pit still in the front yard?

See you next week! Check in’s at 9!

Everything that’s Wrong with “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving”

It’s almost that time again…. get your Thanksgiving toast and popcorn ready!

GREEN TV

by: L Green

Honestly, where to start with this horror show?  Everyone loves A Charlie Brown Christmas, and rightfully so. It’s super charming. So why do ol’ Chuck’s Thanksgiving exploits get much less respect? Is it because Thanksgiving is perpetually skipped over as we plow our way into Christmas? (War on Thanksgiving, I say!) No–it’s because A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is weird–filled with unsupervised children left to their own devices on a holiday, foraging for food, and being cruel to each other. Let’s take a closer look at everything that’s wrong with A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving:

1. Too much Lucy

We've danced this dance before, Charlie Brown We’ve danced this dance before, Charlie Brown

Sure, Charlie Brown’s main tormentor (he has a few) only makes an appearance in the beginning, but that’s just enough time to trick him into trying to kick that dumb football again. And one could argue at this point that Charlie Brown should…

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15 TV Inspired Halloween Costumes

There’s still time!

GREEN TV

By: L Green

If you deep down dream of being like cool as Hell Jon Snow or think you could rock a wig as better Keri Russell in The Americans, well now’s your chance! Halloween is lurking around the corner and here are 15 TV-inspired costumes to satisfy your inner TV and Halloween nerds.

1. Phil Miller (Last Man on Earth)

For the truly lazy, here’s the costume of your sloth dreams. Wear whatever, add a gnarly beard, and attach food particles at your discretion. Bonus points if you incorporate Rocky’s robe or the margarita pool.

2. The Snow Queen (Once Upon a Time)

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Reasons Why Father Gabriel on The Walking Dead has Always Been the Worst

In case you forgot…

GREEN TV

by: Lynda Green

father gabriel

The Walking Dead has some awesome characters: Rick, Daryl, Michonne, Carol with her slippery ways and not giving a s*** attitude. All awesome. Even Baby Judith–Lil’ Ass Kicker–is pretty great. Sadly there have been a few clunkers along way too. Andrea. Bob. Eugene. However, nobody comes close to being as bad as Father Gabriel, who is basically just the worst. Incompetent, helpless, preachy, and untrustworthy. Were you shocked by his outrageous betrayal last week? You shouldn’t have been. Here’s a list of all the reasons why he is, and always has been, the worst:

  • He was first discovered on a rock surrounded by walkers and screaming like a girl for help. (“Strangers”)
  • He thanks the group, explaining that he’s never killed a walker before because God doesn’t like violence. But apparently He’s cool with it, if someone else does it to save you, huh? (“Strangers”)
  • He…

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Revisiting Lost’s 10 Best Episodes

Happy 8.15!
Celebrate by taking another look at Lost’s best 10 episodes!

GREEN TV

by: Lynda Green

"Walkabout", via ABC “Walkabout”, via ABC

Happy Anniversary, Lost! The series crashed into our lives September 22, 2004. Before there were theories that didn’t pan out, backwards/forwards/sideways worlds, Dharma sharks, and hotly-debated endings, Lost was a very good show–sometimes a great show. It’s time to take a little trip down memory lane and revisit 10 of the best episodes the series had to offer. Cue the thousand-yard stare of an impending flashback…

  1. The Pilot (parts 1 and 2). It’s hard to make a good pilot. At best they’re semi-clunky prologues with kinks that need to be worked out. Lost’s 2-part pilot immediately hooked us with what started out as a dramatic survival story and ended with something much weirder. “Guys, where are we?” Thank you, Charlie–that’s what we were wondering!
  2. Walkabout (Season 1, episode 4). By now the flashback convention was established on Lost, but this is the…

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Orange Is The New Black: My Season 3 Wish List!

Season 3 is almost here! I hope I get everything I wanted!

GREEN TV

by: Lynda Green

via Netflix via Netflix

Round 2 was pretty good, right? Ready for round 3!? The next season of Orange Is The New Black is still pretty far away, but that doesn’t mean we can’t start thinking about it. As expected, I have so many feelings about everyone’s favorite prison comedy. If I had my way, here are all the things I’d want for season 3. Take notes, Orange Is The New Black! (Everyone else, spoilers below.)

  • Vee, yes or no. Whether Vee was a character you loved/hated or merely tolerated, she had a pretty good ending, no? But was it really an ending? Just like Piper’s season 1 finale showdown with Pennsatucky, I need closure for this story. Is Vee really gone? And if not, where will she go? I need answers!!
  • Red finds her purpose. Red isn’t really my favorite character, but that has more to do with…

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12 Rules For Hosting An “Orange Is The New Black” Viewing Party

It’s that time again! (June 12th is almost here!)

GREEN TV

by: Lynda Green

                                     Hey, ladies! Hey, ladies!

The wait is finally over! The return of Orange Is The New Black is only hours away! So get ready to celebrate–dust off your best dress orange and follow these simple steps to throwing your dream “Orange Is The New Black” Season 2 Viewing Party!

The Basics

1. Invite your best girl friends over, but make sure to throw in a few people you don’t know or hate a little bit. Don’t worry, by the end you’ll all really get along like best friends.

2. Make sure to give the last person who arrives a hard time for no reason other than you were there first.

3. Everyone must be given a nickname and only referred to that name for the duration of the evening. You are not allowed to pick your own nickname. Except for me–my nickname is “college”. That rule seem arbitrary to…

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