This Is Us: Who’s the Best Pearson?

by: LGreen

(Ron Batzdorff/NBC)

Every family has their favorite, don’t even try to pretend they don’t. And while the Pearsons might be better than your average family, they can’t escape this either. Somebody has to be better than somebody else. That’s just logic. So after careful deliberation, here are all the Pearsons ranked in order of increasing amazingness. It’s a familial thunder dome of awesomeness.

Toby

Chris Sullivan as Toby (NBC)

Toby isn’t really family, so don’t feel so bad that he ranks last. Also, he’s sort of not that great. Kate likes him, so that’s cool. You do you, Kate. But… he tends to be a tad high maintenance and his fashion flair is not my cup of tea. And… sometimes he a little bit makes things about him. Plus… there’s the time he awkwardly postponed the wedding on opening night of Kevin’s play. Ugh, Toby.

Kevin

Justin Hartley as Kevin (NBC)

Kevin is beautiful, rich, and famous, so  even though his life’s a mess, it’s sort of hard to really feel bad for him. Most people’s rock bottom isn’t waltzing into an off-Broadway play. And I hope it all works out with Sophie, but he already blew that relationship up once (just like his Manny career and opening night of his play, so…). But on the flip side, he’s lovably clueless and does have a good heart, so it’s not all bad news for Kevin.

Jack

Milo Ventimiglia as Jack (NBC)

Why is Jack so low on this list? you might wonder. Well… he’s mostly great, like being an awesome father who works hard and is especially attentive to his three kids equally. But that crippling jealousy and drinking and driving thing knocks him down a few places.

Beth

Susan Kelechi Watson as Beth (NBC)

We don’t see very much of Beth, but when we do, she’s awesome. Patient, no-nonsense, super stylish, and the rock of that family. And that toast! The world truly is split between “before Williams and after William”. Season 2 needs more Beth!

Kate

Chrissy Metz as Kate (NBC)

If the Pearson family wasn’t already filled with fantastic human beings, Kate would be on the top of this list. Smart, funny, and ambitious–Kate’s the friend and sibling we all dream of. Kevin may be the famous one, but Kate’s the star of this show. Does Toby know how lucky he is?

Rebecca

Mandy Moore as Rebecca (NBC)

Is there a period of time when Rebecca was/is not awesome? Quite simply, no. I’m not sure how the whole Miguel thing plays out and the Keeping-William-A-Secret incident wasn’t the best. But if Randall can forgive her, so can we. And look, I’m no doctor, but if her explanation to Randall didn’t make you cry, you’re probably dead inside. And let’s be blunt here, anyone who can have triplets and still be that put together is probably superhuman anyway.

Randall

Sterling K. Brown as Randall (NBC)

Overachieving workaholic Super Dad Randall is not only one of the best Pearsons; he’s one of the best characters on TV. Sure, he’s wound a bit tight, but he does the best he can for those he loves. And his willingness to accept William and let himself open up was beautiful. And now he wants to adopt a baby! A new baby! This is when This Is Us makes me cry.

William

Ron Cephas Jones as William (NBC)

Oh, William. I want to go on a road trip to Nashville with you too. You don’t need maps; you just drive. And you’d encourage me to just drive too. And play music, walk outside, and talk to the mailman. I never talk to my mailman! But that’s about to change, friends. Just as soon as I find out who my mailman is. Thank you, William. *hat tip*

And there you have it. The whole Pearson clan ranked from mildly awesome to amazingly awesome. And also Toby.

 

 

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: 13 Favorite Moments from Season 2

by: LGreen

image via Netflix

image via Netflix

Are you still watching Season 2 of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, or like me, did you binge it in one weekend? …You binged it, didn’t you? Understandable. Kimmy Schmidt’s second season is as catchy and irresistible as its theme song, dammit! Kimmy and the gang all return (no supporting player left behind!), for more post-bunker New York adventures. And in that way, this second season is not much different than its first. But rather than a season dedicated to a series of Kimmy’s “firsts,” season 2 takes the time to develop characters and tightly weave their lives together. Without evoking too many 30 Rock comparisons, you can see this group of oddball friends as intertwined and connected as Liz Lemon and Co. were. Kimmy Schmidt’s second outing is as charming as the first, but also weirder, sharper, and even funnier.

Here are 13 of its best moments:

  1. Mike the season 1 construction worker: The development of the catcalling season 1 construction worker from one-off joke to not only a returning character, but one so pivotal to Titus’s development, is possibly my favorite turn for season 2. Mikey’s search for honesty for himself and his relationships injected a huge dose of reality into this otherwise over-the-top version of New York. It proves that Kimmy’s New York is a small world and every character is important.
  2. Titus falls in love. I love everything about Titus. But I mostly love that Kimmy Schmidt is letting him become a deeper person. I could watch his fame-seeking-pinot-noir-drinking self forever, but watching him learn how to earn his happiness brought out more feels than I ever expected. If his monologue about never having a coming out moment didn’t move you, well then, your heart is probably a little bit frozen. Sorry.
  3. Music. Kimmy Schmidt is the best scored show on TV, with music adding that extra zaniness that makes Kimmy’s New York so downright weird. Its use of music integral to the plot is delightful, whether it’s Kimmy’s all-cartoon faux-Disney happy place fantasy, or Titus’s musical theater history lessons. Admit it, you’d go see “Jeff, the Gangly Orphan,” wouldn’t you?
  4. Lillian has a purpose. Lillian was my least favorite thing about season 1, often seeming weird for the sake of being weird. And don’t get me wrong, weird is awesome, but her sharpened offbeat passion for the degentrification of East Dogmouth gave her a relatable focus. Also, she dates Robert Durst, which I can totally see.
  5. Junkyard Elmos. I’m glad a show like Kimmy Schmidt is finally calling attention to the scourge of dirty Elmos plaguing midtown. Let this be a warning to your innocent and naive friends visiting from out-of-town, just say no: No to drugs, and especially no to doing them with junkyard Elmos.
  6. Dyziplen. Buckley needs some discipline dyziplen. This joke would have been enough as a single punchline, but was followed through by showing hordes of vacant Upper East Side kids drugged into complacent stupors. Honorable mention goes to therapist Andrea’s t-shirt shout out.
  7. Pacey! Can Joshua Jackson show up for cameos in every show?
  8. Jacqueline is sort of nice. While Jacqueline was busy spearheading her doomed cause to her rich friends, something interesting happened: she became sort of nice. Proof that Kimmy’s influence on everyone is the heart and soul of this very strange show. Also, Jacqueline will end up super rich again, so it’s really win/win for everyone. And she has to put up with Russ’s fipple and moist beard, so she’s totally earning that money
  9. Oh heyyyy, Tina Fey. I was enjoying this season so much, I was completely caught off guard by Tina Fey’s late season arrival as drunk Uber passenger/therapist Andrea. This is my favorite of all of Fey’s characters, a smart, wise truth-telling hot mess, that’s very caring, but also a little bit mean.
  10. Bye, Dong. In theory, I like Kimmy paired up with her GED friend Dong because they’re both newcomers to this world. But Dong is sort of boring  and I like that the show didn’t drag out his stay. Sorry you got deported, Dong, but at least a fancy night in an abandoned Poconos resort is how one exits in style.
  11. Mike’s grandmother. In case you’re still watching, I won’t post a picture of Mikey’s grandmother at family dinner. This was the best laugh-out-loud sight gag yet on Kimmy Schmidt. Or probably any show.
  12. A cliffhanger? I’m not a huge fan of this season’s last moments, essentially a cliffhanger in which the Reverend calls to say that he’s getting married while in prison, so he and Kimmy need a divorce. If she’s married, wouldn’t Kimmy already know? And how hard would it be to get divorced from someone who went to prison for kidnapping you? This doesn’t seem like much of a cliffhanger. But… if this means more Jon Hamm next season, then I’m all about it.
  13. Kimmy’s mom: I was so ready to hate Kimmy’s mom, but it’s impossible to hate Lisa Kudrow, so well done, Kimmy Schmidt! She’s just zany enough to fit into this world, but has enough heart to remind you that everyone has a story. “Sometimes you just wanna scream your head off, and a rollercoaster’s the only place no-one looks at you weird.” How can you hate someone as honest as that?

Odds and Ends:

  • Of course Jacqueline has a bag made of the skins of famous internet cats
  • If I can see NJ, then it can see me!” (I love NJ jokes)
  • I loved that Titus’s one-man show was actually good. For anyone who’s ever been dragged to one at 10:30 at night in the Lower East Side, you were surprised too.
  • Does anyone else miss seeing Josh Charles on TV!?
  • Everyone sounds like Chandler on the internet” is the most succinct description of the internet ever.
  • SpongeBob does look like a cheese businessman, and is that really any stranger than a sponge who wears pants and lives in a pineapple under the sea?
  • I can identify with Kimmy, because I too really loved Frasier in the 90s.

 

 

Bates Motel: Doomed in the End?

by: LGreen

Things are really looking up for everyone on Bates Motel. Norma and Dylan have found love, Emma has a sparkly new set of lungs, even Norman is finding some peace. Everyone is, if not exactly happy, getting pretty close. It’s wonderful! And terrible! Surely this cannot last, can it?

We’re all doomed in the end, right?” is the casual piece of flirty cynicism  Norma threw out to Romero towards the end of last season. And if we go according to Psycho, then yes, you are all doomed in the end. You, especially, Norma. A mere half season later Norma and Romero are blissful newlyweds, saying “I love you,” making out like teenagers, and being all swoon-inducing awesome. So either this is the most excruciating build up to the other shoe dropping, or maybe, just maybe, a few of these troubled characters might just make it out happy and alive. But is that possible? Let’s take a closer look.

Emma (probably mostly happy)

Bates Motel_Emma

Emma is the most likely to make it out of White Pine Bay alive and healthy. She’s already halfway there, including distancing herself from Norman. She’s happy with Dylan and, even if that doesn’t last, we know wise-beyond-her-years Emma can roll with a break up. She’s on her way to college and a brand new life. There is that unfortunate situation with her mother being murdered by Norman/Mother. Maybe no one will tell her? Possible. But a murdered Audrey Ellis is like Chekhov’s gun, expect to see her again before the season is out.

Dylan (chances are slim)

bates motel_Dylan

Dylan has terrible luck, a terrible origin story, and zero safety net. He’s super happy with Emma, but everyone in his family has a way of sucking you right back into their orbit of crazy. Seattle may not be far enough, Dylan. Don’t stop until you hit Canada! On the flip side, Dylan is due some luck and maybe the writers will find it in their collective heart to cut everyone’s favorite brother a break.

Dr. Edwards (sorry in advance, doctor)

Bates Motel_Dr Edwards

I am so worried for Dr. Edwards! He’s totally doomed, right? He even called it himself in this week’s episode (“The Vault”). He says “Mother” appears to protect Norman from danger, in which he includes himself. Don’t give him any ideas, Dr. Edwards! Also take a look at how he’s lit, Norman is often in full light and the doctor is half in shadows. Something ominous is coming his way. His one possible chance? It would be hard for Norman to kill him in the hospital and get away with it.

Alex Romero (I’m so nervous, you guys!)

Bates Motel_Alex

Look at the dapper suit and bright smile! Who’d want to hurt this handsome gentleman? 1: Probably a lot of people. 2: Norman. He’s not going to be happy his late night movie cuddlefests with Norma are a thing of the past. Just look at Norma’s reluctance to even mention her new husband; Alex, you in danger, girl!

Romero’s safety mostly concerns me because of how it will affect Norma. She’s finally found someone who makes her happy, who’s good to her, who literally knows all her secrets and doesn’t care.  He bought her a coffee maker and filled in the pit. This is love!  Would Bates Motel get rid of Romero just to add one more tragedy to Norma’s already impossibly hard life? Yes! Yes, I think they would. It’s gotten so bad, that I hold my breath everytime he shows up.

Norman (definitely doomed because, well, Psycho)

Bates Motel_Norman

The writers have repeatedly said that they’re not writing Psycho. Bates Motel is inspired by, but not a prequel to, the movie. That’s obviously true, given the current time period. But time is a slippery thing in this world. Norma and Norman, from their home to their clothes, to music and movie choices, often exist in a world that seems both far away and of the past. Indicative of the bubble they share? Sure. But also, a big nod to the source material. This isn’t Psycho, but Norman’s world is. I don’t see how he’s going to escape that fate.

Chick (Doomed. Good)

Bates_Chick

How did this annoying minor character become so pivotal this season? And I’m not sure if his blackmail scheme with Norma is over. She called him on is bluff and all he did was give her a very creepy kiss on the cheek and leave. Is that it from you Chick? Back to the woods you go? Maybe he’s done with Norma, but he’ll likely be hearing from Romero sooner than later. People who threaten Norma Bates don’t tend to live long in White Pine Bay.

Norma (wildcard, fingers crossed)

Bates Motel_Norma

Oh, Norma. I worry about you most of all. The original Norma Bates didn’t end up so well, so we’re either watching her march towards that inevitable fate, or maybe Bates Motel will reward her for all her suffering. Maybe? Probably not.

This season in particular seems especially menacing towards Norma. With break ins, bitter ex-girlfriends, and Chicks all over the place (and even Norman posing a few threats himself), pulling out a happy ending would be an unexpected hat trick. Norma even predicted shed one day break her neck falling on those stairs, so now I have stairs to worry about too!

All this is why her newfound happiness with Romero is fantastic and awful and nerve-wracking. You just want them to really pack that bag and get out of town. Quick, before Norman/Chick/Caleb/Rebecca/The FBI/Fate catches up to you.

(Bates Motel airs Monday at 9EST on A&E)

*all images via A&E

Gift Ideas For Your Favorite TV Characters

by: LGreen

image

It’s that time again. Christmas is almost here and it’s time to start thinking about what to give those special people in your life. What about those other special people in your life–your favorite TV characters. Sure, they’re not real, but you’ve spent a whole year with them. Okay, that’s weird. Hypothetically, should they be real people, here’s are some suggestions for your best TV friends:

Don Draper (Mad Men)

how is that shirt comfortable?

how is that shirt comfortable?

Yoga pants. Congrats on finding enlightenment, Don! Or pseudo-enlightenment. Or inspiration. Whatever you found, it’s working for you. Now the whole world would like to share a Coke and you’re a gazillionaire, thanks to some mellow beachside meditation. Keep up the good work! But you’ll need some more comfortable clothes. Don Draper in Lululemon? Sure, why not.

Kimmy Schmidt (The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)

kimmy phone

Hello? 2015 is calling.

An iPad. Sure, Kimmy already has an iPhone, which is amazing cuz it’s sort of like a computer, and she never had to suffer through a flip phone, or be tricked into thinking a Razr was cool. But she’s still seriously technologically behind the curve. With an iPad, she can catch up on years worth of pop culture, read some non-Babysitters Club books, and study for the GED. Or, then again,  she could use some more light-up sneakers. Either/or.

Jane Doe (Blindspot)

blindspot

How about a nice cozy turtleneck?

A shirt with sleeves. We get it. You have a bunch of tattoos. But where did they come from????? #mystery

Kilgrave (Jessica Jones)

kilgrave

A copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. No, not a new purple scarf. No fun presents for you, Kilgrave. Nobody wants to be with you, around you, or hear of you. Not even your parents. Read this book and take notes.

Annalise (How to Get Away with Murder)

students

Nobody knows what they’re doing.

New students. Alternatingly too murdery and then not murdery at all. They’re terrible students and horrible employees. Why does she keep this crew around, again? Also, unless you’re Annalise, I don’t know anybody’s name on this show. We all deserve better.

Everyone in Alexandria (The Walking Dead)

alexandria

“The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide”. They do know they’re in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, right? Everyone should read this book and brush up on the basics if they want to make it to next Christmas. Rick can only do so much for this crew.

Eli (The Good Wife)

eli

Sad Eli

A vacation to anywhere. Ruth is ruining his professional life, he’s heartbroken, and now his last friend in the world hates him. Eli really needs a break from it all. Time to buy a floppy hat and get yourself to Turks and Caicos, friend.

Noah (The Affair)

noah

Get those feelings out, Noah.

A journal. Maybe instead of writing about everyone else’s life, Noah can take a break to figure out his own feelings. If’s we’ve learned anything from Oprah, it’s that we need to all write down our feelings!

Piper (Orange Is The New Black)

piper

Victoria’s Secret Gift Card. This used prison panty thing is disgusting. Piper, it’s time to buy yourself some dignity.

Red and Lizzie (The Blacklist)

Red and Lizzie

Matching fedoras. That baseball hat is cute and all, but potentially related fugitives who run from that law together, should wear matching fedoras together! Samesies!

Dev (Master of None)

dev

Olive Garden’s Neverending Pasta Pass. What do you get the pasta aficionado in your life? Well, Dev already has a pasta maker and is off to Italy to perfect his pasta-making prowess. But sometimes you just want to eat starchy, low level comfort food and a bland and neutral setting. A neverending amount of it. Eat those feelings, Dev! We’ve got you covered.

And what do I want for Christmas? The Game of Thrones “shame bell” of course!

Happy Holidays, TV fans!

 

15 TV Inspired Halloween Costumes

By: L Green

If you deep down dream of being like cool as Hell Jon Snow or think you could rock a wig as better Keri Russell in The Americans, well now’s your chance! Halloween is lurking around the corner and here are 15 TV-inspired costumes to satisfy your inner TV and Halloween nerds.

1. Phil Miller (Last Man on Earth)

For the truly lazy, here’s the costume of your sloth dreams. Wear whatever, add a gnarly beard, and attach food particles at your discretion. Bonus points if you incorporate Rocky’s robe or the margarita pool.

2. The Snow Queen (Once Upon a Time)

Continue reading

Lost Turns 11: Do You Even Remember Who These People Are??

by: L Green

Ready to feel old? Lost premiered eleven years ago today. And admit it, you loved it, you really loved it. But can you actually remember who half of these characters are? (Omar???) Click below on any main or supporting character and see just how much you remember. Insert obligatory “We have to go back” reference here.

Err… spoilers below?

All pictures via Lostpedia.

Fear The Walking Dead: Meet the Faces of the West Coast Zombie Apocalypse

by: L Green

The good old zombie apocalypse we’ve come to know and love has gotten a change of scenery! AMC’s The Walking Dead counterpart, Fear the Walking Dead, is currently 2 episodes into its first season. So who are these heroes we’ll be spending the next 4 Sundays with? Take a look below* to see who we’ve met so far (Spoilers, of course):

Madison Clark (Kim Dickens)

madisonFTWD

What will Madison (Maddie) not do for her kids? She’ll research rehabs, go on a drug raid, investigate your super shady drug den for clues–she’s not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom! She’s also an awesome guidance counselor who really listens to the kids, takes their apocalyptic warnings seriously, and will fight off the zombie principal for you. She’ll also let her neighbor get eaten to death before your eyes, rather than risk your safety. Ice cold. (Also, Kim Dickens is great in everything–just fyi.)

Travis Manawa (Cliff Curtis)

TravisFTWD

Is there anything worse than your mom’s new boyfriend moving in and trying to be your friend? Yes, having him also teach at your high school. But whatever, Travis seems okay, minus the hero complex. This guy might end up giving good ol’ Rick Grimes a run for his money.

Nick Clark (Frank Dillane)

nickFTWD

Ah, at last–Fear the Walking Dead‘s LA counterpart to Carl. Stay in the house (hospital), Nick! Just stay in the house (hospital). Somebody get this guy a sheriff hat, stat.

Alicia Clark (Alycia Debnam-Carey)

AliciaFTWD

Nick’s overachieving younger sister. She’s not so bad and will probably really excel in the zombie apocalypse (Alicia seems like the type who thrives under pressure). But she also has a problem staying in the damn house.

Christopher Manawa  (Lorenzo James Henrie)

ChrisFTWD

Guess who’s also not in the house? Travis’s biological son, Chris, who’s not taking this whole divorce thing well. You know what’s worse than divorce? The zombie apocalypse. Get it together, kid.

Matt (Maestro Harrell)

mattFTWD

Poor Matt! We hardly go to know you. We didn’t even get to see you turn into a zombie. All we got was some cold sweats and a heroic send off for Alicia to save herself. Remember me a hero….

Tobias (Lincoln A. Castellanos)

TobiasFTWD

Should the apocalypse strike, there’s guaranteed to be one nerd who knows what’s what. In our case, this particular nerd is Travis, a lonely outcast teenager who saw this coming long enough to stockpile food and supplies. How long before Maddie remembers the stash and rips off her former student? I give it 3 more episodes.

Art Costa (Scott Lawrence)

ArtCostaFTWD

Dying at work. In a high school. Being killed (again) by a student, and a colleague. With a fire extinguisher. Man, no dignity there at all.

Gloria (Lexi Johnson)

gloria-fear-the-walking-dead-21.jpg

The beautiful zombie that started it all.

 

Check back later when we meet more friendly faces from Fear the Walking Dead!

*all images via AMC

Fear the Walking Dead airs Sundays on AMC at 9pm.

7 Animals That Should Attack Next on Zoo

By: L Green

image

Hilary Bronwyn Gayle/CBS

The animals are not alright. Zoo on CBS (your new fun summer show) features some very angry animals who are tired of taking your crap. Halfway through the season, we’ve already seen lion attacks, wolf packs, flocks of bats, and some alarming bear evolution (give that thick-skinned bear a spinoff!). But what’s next for this animal vs human showdown? What’s the next species to throw its hat into the ring and take on humanity? Here are just a few suggestions:

Sharks.

image

Hey.

Why is Zoo not all over this?? Sharks are so in right now! Sharknados are already taken, but how about a Sharkicane? Sharnami? Sharkquake? You get the idea.

Snakes. Snakes are terrifying, period. On planes, or otherwise. Get on this, Zoo.

Bees. Everyone hates bees because they’re scary and can attack you in groups. Isn’t their inevitable uprising about due?
Honorary mention: mosquitoes. Japan, Brazil, Paris? Maybe Jackson and the gang want to take a road trip to New Jersey.

This guy.
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So angry.

Deer.
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Deer are pretty stupid and sort of unassuming. What are they thinking? What goes on inside their little deer heads? Rage. Pure rage.

Kangaroos. have you ever seen a kangaroo fight?? Ruthless.

Weasels riding woodpeckers.
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We’re doomed.

Zoo airs Tuesdays at 9pm on CBS.

The Biggest Moments of Orange Is The New Black Season 3

by: L Green

orange season 3

Season 3 of Orange Is The New Black quietly set itself apart from previous seasons. Piper technically is the focus, but seems less important as the story evens out across all the inmates. Gone too is a common villain. There are still squabbles and fights and arguments, but not one Big Bad for us to rally against. Even the MMR overlords are more disinterested than overtly evil. Opinion is split on whether the lighter tone of this season is better or worse. But no matter where you stand, we can all agree that season 3 still offered some huge moments.

Stop reading if you don’t want to get hit with a slockful of spoilers; some of the best, worst, and most shocking moments of season 3 including:

Alex is back. Back in season 2, Piper ratted out Alex for breaking her parole, so it wasn’t too shocking to see her back. More of a surprise was Piper’s confession that she was responsible. Supposedly she did it for Alex’s “safety”. Sure, Jan. Let’s call these two even.

Nicky leaves. Back when I was forming my season 3 wish list, I hoped for a favorite inmate to leave, just to shake things up a bit. It was still shocking that it ended up being Nicky and so early in the season. It wasn’t unfair that she got sent to maximum security for her role in the heroin scheme, only unfair that Luschek got off completely.

Litchfield goes corporate. Caputo, who we find out has a hero complex, recruits private company MMR to take over Litchfield’s operation. This proves more of a nuisance than anything, but becomes a source of tension for the guards, Caputo, and anyone who tries to eat the new low-budget food for the kitchen. Boil in a bag beef wellington is the stuff of nightmares.

Big Boo gets a makeover. Big Boo is the best. This season really highlighted her big heart and common sense. Her season highlight was getting an uber-feminine Sophia makeover (long story). She was as shocked as we were, “I look like my mother.”

Prison Drama Club. Please please please let this become a web series spinoff.

Crazy Eyes pens the cult hit, The Time Hump Chronicles. Suzanne, as it turns out, doesn’t actually know anything about sex. Proof that her underground erotica about Admiral Rodcocker is the work of a once-in-a-generation genius.

Piper becomes a prison panty kingpin. Sort of gross, but worth it for her St. Crispin’s Day-esque, Shakespearean rallying cry rounding up fellow dirty panty aficionados.

Judy King goes to prison! Real life Piper missed Martha Stewart in prison, but it looks like we’ll meet her TV counterpart next season when Judy King (Blair Brown) shows up at Litchfield. Though to be fair, she seems more Paula Deen than Martha Stewart, which may not go over well.

Poussay catches drunk squirrels in a bag. Worth mentioning only because that seems really hard!

Leanne is Amish. Who saw that coming????

Big Boo and Pennsatucky plot to “Dragon Tattoo” a guard. This whole situation was pretty heartbreaking, but leave it to Big Boo to coin the best phrase dealing with broom handle rape revenge plots.

Pornstache’s mother is awesome. Again, who saw this coming?? Even she hates Pornstache.

Flaca is maybe the only innocent person in Litchfield. You know what they say, Everyone is prison is really innocent. But Flaca sort of is. Sure, she got mixed up in something she didn’t understand, but selling fake drugs that led to a coincidental suicide is more weird than anything. And then on top of that, Piper has to be super mean to her!

Chang is a badass. Actually who didn’t see this coming?

A weird prison cult that makes no sense is formed. The church of Norma is the only subplot that really falls flat. That’s wonderful that Norma makes people feel good, but that’s mostly because she keeps her mouth shut and doesn’t bother them. Don’t mistake coincidence for fate, ladies. Norma’s nice, but she’s not the second coming.

Soso overdoses. on Benadryl. Oh, Soso. And your mom is awful too.

Black Cindy converts to Judaism. What started as a search for fresh broccoli, turned into a true source of hope and community. What started as a one-off joke from a minor character, turned into the season’s main theme. Who there isn’t looking for a faith?

Piper gets a prison tattoo. “Trust no bitch”. Piper is really finding herself in prison, no?

Piper lives up to her tattoo. Oh, the irony! Sorry, Stella.

Alex was actually right! 90% of what comes out of Alex’s mouth is a smug one-liner about what’s wrong with someone else, so I’m not surprised that everyone got used to ignoring her. Such a bad time to actually be right about your life being in danger.

Everyone has a pool party. That looked like fun. Minus the prison part.

Season Three Orange Is The New Black Characters, Ranked by Happiness

by: L Green

Season_Three_Photoshoot

Orange Is The New Black had its lightest season so far. Gone were the kitchen wars, feuds, and brutal attacks. Well… sort of. At least there was a lot more levity and no more slocks! Baby steps, you guys. So in this newer, lighter, more whimsical look at Litchfield, which inmates had the happiest season and who is still pretty depressed and/or depressing? Here are everyone’s favorite inmates, ranked by this season’s happiness:

1. Morello. Morello is living her best life every day! She was a little bummed out by Nicky leaving, but you can’t keep a good Morello down. She finally gets what she’s always wanted–to be Mrs. Somebody. Christophuh, who?

2. Black Cindy. Season 3 was all about faith and Cindy finally found hers. What started as a search for fresh broccoli turned into a real search for answers, truth, and community. You do you, Black Cindy!

3. Suzanne “Crazy Eyes”. I know we’re all supposed to call her “Suzanne” now, but once Crazy Eyes, always Crazy Eyes. Which is also a great pen name when you’re writing underground erotica, loosely based on the everyone’s favorite prison guard. Suzanne really blossomed this season, coming into her own without Vee’s smothering presence, proving herself to be quite the wordsmith. She even probably maybe found love! Rock on, Suzanne.

4. Piper. Turns out Piper has really taken to prison life. Since arriving at Litchfield, Piper has seen some things and no longer takes shit from anyone. She’s found her niche running a black market used panty prison empire. Benevolent dictator or ruthless boss, prison has given Piper some serious power. And she’s loving every minute of it.

5. Lolly. I’m not sure why, but Lolly is really just happy to be wherever she is. It’s not a bad way to go through life.

6. Norma. Norma finally found her purpose. It’s batshit crazy and involved people worshiping her and her likeness dubiously found in a piece of burnt toast. But Norma doesn’t care. As long as she can bring people some happiness, she’s good.

7. Red. Season three found Red occasionally happy, which for Red is incredibly impressive. She’s still a bit hot and cold with Piper, mad at every one in the kitchen, and wears her spiky hair as a warning for others to stay away. But she’s found peace with her garden, informal supper club–with real vegetables!–and budding romance with creepy Sam Healy. Red maybe isn’t happy, but she’s content.

8. Poussay. Poussay started season 3 pretty miserable, but ended with things looking up. She misses her mom and doesn’t always click with the other inmates, and even tried the Norma cult. In the end, you never know if sticking your hand down the throat of your friend who’s OD’d on Benadryl will be the start of a budding new friendship.

9. Pennsatucky. Poor Pennsatucky. Is there anything worse than trying to convince yourself that everything’s okay, even though deep down you know it’s actually completely horrible? She thought she had a new friend and doughnut hookup, but ended up dealing with a sociopath. At least she’s on the way to standing up for herself and embracing dental hygiene. You’ll get there, Penn.

10. Flaca. How bad do things have to be for you to be the unlucky one in prison? Of all the ladies claiming they don’t belong there, it might actually be true for Flaca. She ended up in prison by doing whatever it took to not have to work in a sweatshop …only to end up working in a sweatshop. She successfully unionized Piper’s panty brigade, only to find herself booted from the group. It’s one step forward, two steps back for Flaca.

11. Alex. I don’t have much sympathy for Alex, but it was rough to watch her miserably skulk around Litchfield, paranoid that someone was out to get her. And it probably doesn’t make her feel better that she was right.

12. Soso. There could be an OITNB spinoff called Everybody Hates Soso. Our chipper little hippie found herself with no friends, no allies, no support, no community, and no hope. Things were looking up by the end for Soso, but it was a pretty rough season for her.

13. Daya. The best thing for Daya would be to get away from her mother. But since that’s impossible, she’ll probably be miserable forever. It’s just one big cycle of awful for this family.

14. Nicky. Nicky transferred out to maximum security and though we didn’t see any of her since her departure, it’s safe to say that where she went, there were no lakefront swim parties.

15. Sophia. Heartbreaking all around. Sophia (like Gloria) had to deal with the pressure of trying to raise a child from prison. But unlike Gloria, had to deal with the constant pressure and gossip from not really fitting in. Being sent to solitary for her own protection, i.e., being punished for someone else’s crime, was the final blow in an already rough season. She went with her head held high, but that somehow made it more awful.

Congrats to the ladies who found some happiness this season. For the rest of you… season 4 is only a year away.