It’s that time again. Christmas is almost here and it’s time to start thinking about what to give those special people in your life. What about those other special people in your life–your favorite TV characters. Sure, they’re not real, but you’ve spent a whole year with them. Okay, that’s weird. Hypothetically, should they be real people, here’s are some suggestions for your best TV friends:
Don Draper (Mad Men)
Yoga pants. Congrats on finding enlightenment, Don! Or pseudo-enlightenment. Or inspiration. Whatever you found, it’s working for you. Now the whole world would like to share a Coke and you’re a gazillionaire, thanks to some mellow beachside meditation. Keep up the good work! But you’ll need some more comfortable clothes. Don Draper in Lululemon? Sure, why not.
Kimmy Schmidt (The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)
An iPad. Sure, Kimmy already has an iPhone, which is amazing cuz it’s sort of like a computer, and she never had to suffer through a flip phone, or be tricked into thinking a Razr was cool. But she’s still seriously technologically behind the curve. With an iPad, she can catch up on years worth of pop culture, read some non-Babysitters Club books, and study for the GED. Or, then again, she could use some more light-up sneakers. Either/or.
Jane Doe (Blindspot)
A shirt with sleeves. We get it. You have a bunch of tattoos. But where did they come from????? #mystery
Kilgrave (Jessica Jones)
A copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. No, not a new purple scarf. No fun presents for you, Kilgrave. Nobody wants to be with you, around you, or hear of you. Not even your parents. Read this book and take notes.
Annalise (How to Get Away with Murder)
New students. Alternatingly too murdery and then not murdery at all. They’re terrible students and horrible employees. Why does she keep this crew around, again? Also, unless you’re Annalise, I don’t know anybody’s name on this show. We all deserve better.
Everyone in Alexandria (The Walking Dead)
“The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide”. They do know they’re in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, right? Everyone should read this book and brush up on the basics if they want to make it to next Christmas. Rick can only do so much for this crew.
Eli (The Good Wife)
A vacation to anywhere. Ruth is ruining his professional life, he’s heartbroken, and now his last friend in the world hates him. Eli really needs a break from it all. Time to buy a floppy hat and get yourself to Turks and Caicos, friend.
Noah (The Affair)
A journal. Maybe instead of writing about everyone else’s life, Noah can take a break to figure out his own feelings. If’s we’ve learned anything from Oprah, it’s that we need to all write down our feelings!
Piper (Orange Is The New Black)
Victoria’s Secret Gift Card. This used prison panty thing is disgusting. Piper, it’s time to buy yourself some dignity.
Red and Lizzie (The Blacklist)
Matching fedoras. That baseball hat is cute and all, but potentially related fugitives who run from that law together, should wear matching fedoras together! Samesies!
Dev (Master of None)
Olive Garden’s Neverending Pasta Pass. What do you get the pasta aficionado in your life? Well, Dev already has a pasta maker and is off to Italy to perfect his pasta-making prowess. But sometimes you just want to eat starchy, low level comfort food and a bland and neutral setting. A neverending amount of it. Eat those feelings, Dev! We’ve got you covered.
And what do I want for Christmas? The Game of Thrones “shame bell” of course!
Happy Holidays, TV fans!